Just moments before the shocking season finale of “Being Mary Jane,” Gabrielle Union’s character gathers up “what’s left of her dignity,” and walks out on yet another disappointing man.
As any fan knows all too well, Mary Jane has told family, friends and her television audience that she desperately wants to become a mom and is willing to freeze her eggs, endure hormone shots and even steal an unsuspecting brother’s DNA to accomplish her goal.
Perhaps sensing her desperation, or just trying to get over, Sheldon (actor Gary Dourdan), Mary Jane’s latest love interest, announces that if they continued with their relationship, Mary Jane could have his baby but since he “did not believe in marriage,” she could maybe “buy a condo on a floor next to his and co-parent.”
When she protests, he has the nerve to suggest that “given your track record with men, you probably won’t get a better offer.”
You could almost hear women everywhere applauding when MJ gathered up her things and let him know that she was not going “to settle for less than she deserved.”
Holding Out for Mr. Right
It would be tough not to walk out on a brother that arrogant, but should MJ, or any woman, consider settling down (sort of) with Mr. “I just might be your last chance?”
Absolutely not, says the “Modern Love Doctor,” Brenda Wade, Ph.D. (Dr. Drew show, Dr. Oz Show, etc.) in response to a recent study suggesting that holding on to “Mr. Available” was better than holding out for the kind of many you really want.
“Do not settle,” Wade emphasizes. “The person who did the study saying that you should settle for Mr. Right Now because you might not meet Mr. Right was not looking at a woman’s deep value.”
“If you buy into that theory, you are saying that you believe in a limited view of yourself, men and the world. If you have a limited view, it limits you in other ways. You may have children with limited views.”
Wade believes that viewing your opportunities for true happiness as narrow and unlikely has an impact on your body and your entire life. “When you settle, you shrink yourself. It changes your energy and your biology,” explains Wade, author of What Mama Couldn’t Tell us About Love.
Holding onto a relationship with someone who does not see your true value or meet your needs and desires may even have a negative impact on your health, Wade advises.
“If you are unhappy, it leads to stress and raised cortisol levels. It is not good for you on any level.”
Looking for an Ideal Mate?
So what does Brenda Wade, the Modern Love Doctor, think of beating the tough odds many black women feel they face when looking for an ideal mate? Here’s her advice:
- Believe in you. “I’m not saying it’s easy, you have to work it body, mind, and spirit. But think of this way, tell yourself, ‘I am not desperate. I am delightful.’ You have to believe that you are lovable.
- Rewrite your story. “I say we define our reality. You must tell yourself what your life is about. Start making the choice, say: ‘I deserve to have what I want.’ You have to hold onto your power, though it’s so much easier to give away your power. There are wonderful men out there, they might not all be black men, but there are great men out there.”
- Have hope. “I have a trophy box in my office filled with wedding invitations from women of all ages who came to me and said that they wanted to get married and children, but they had given up. There was no hope. I asked them to change their world view and believe, all I asked is that I get a wedding invitation, I didn’t even need to attend the, and I now have a box full of them.” so hold onto the thought that it is possible to make your dreams come true.
Hear more of Dr. Wade’s great advice on her Modern Love Podcasts.